I have been gray-rocking the shit out of my future ex-husband. For those of you who are not well-versed in the narcissistic world (1. I’m fucking envious), that means you give them nothing every time they try to pick a fight or manipulate you or hurt you in some way. You basically provide the dullest, flattest response possible. Showing no more emotional pull.

My husband has NEVER worn his wedding ring for the 6 years we’ve been married. Not once. He claims, “It’s uncomfortable.” He has a silicone ring; I wear… or wore one, too. You can’t feel them. Also, he has a desk job; it’s not like he’s doing manual labor. The other day, I was fed up. He had dismissed me once again and had made my oldest feel incredibly anxious. And then made our toddler cry. I took my wedding ring off. I just wanted to see if he’d notice. The answer was a resounding no. Of course not. He pays zero attention to me.

It’s been a week since I’ve worn it. And while I’m still married and he still has no idea what my plans are, it’s fucking liberating.

Here’s the thing: I know my demeanor has changed, too. I see glimmers of my old self. I laugh more. I feel inspired to create. And I’m feeling less like the angry shrew he’s made me. When you have a grown ass man asking you how to make nachos or do laundry for the 312th week in a row, it makes you the ugliest version of yourself.

People in my orbit can tell too. I have 3 extremely close friends who I used to spend about every weekend with and some weekdays before kids. They kind of disappeared over the last couple of years. Suddenly, like a crazy universal shift they have been reaching out to make plans. They have no idea what’s going on in this realm. They think I’m still happily married living my best suburban mom life.

Wrong. And they’ll learn that soon enough, but the fact is my energy has changed. I’m more open to making plans, I’m not longer being forced into isolation because fuck that.

And my students… man those kiddos are intuitive. They have been making me a little hype/affirmation wall. Of there own doing these past couple of weeks. It’s all my former students who come and hang out with me on their recess time. It’s so incredible.

All this rambling to say, healing is wild and I’m glad I’m doing some of it before I enter into what I assume will be an emotionally draining part of my life so I can stay grounded in who I am. Who I’ve always been. And who he tried so hard to bury.