Things have not gone according to plan, or at least the plan I created in my head. I wanted to file on my birthday and serve in the days following. However, that was the same week I went back to work. My nervous system became overwhelmed. I couldn’t file. I couldn’t even think about having him served. The thought made me want to throw up.

For a long time, I thought my hesitation to file for divorce meant I wasn’t ready—or worse, that I was failing at being brave. What I’ve come to understand is that it was actually a freeze response, a common trauma reaction associated with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). When you’ve lived in a prolonged state of emotional unpredictability, your nervous system learns that survival depends on staying still, keeping the peace, and not making sudden moves that could escalate conflict. Freeze isn’t inaction—it’s protection. My body isn’t avoiding the truth; it is trying to keep me safe until enough stability, clarity, and internal support exist to move forward.

Then this past week, my graduate classes started back up. I’m still finding my balance again before I file. Even when I’m starting to doubt myself, this man shows up and shows me exactly who he is to remind me why I need out. Why I need to leave.

My little guy’s birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to protect that, too. I know it feels like kicking the can, but really, I want to be as emotionally stable as possible and protect my boys as much as I can. I know I can’t prevent all the hurt and confusion they might feel, but I want to do the best I can.

I’m processing, I’m moving forward, but I’m realizing I cannot rush through this period. I cannot set deadlines for myself without first being gentle with myself.