I wrote an entirely different blog post that I was going to post today. About the nonlinear trajectory of filing for divorce. Especially with kids involved. My number one priority is making sure I do what’s best for them.

I was going to write about how I was going to stay in the marriage a while longer to start rebuilding myself. Life has really destroyed me and made me unrecognizable. I truly feel I need some more inner stability before I create outer instability. And I do believe this, and it mostly remains true.

However, when you are not only with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, but also someone who is an alcoholic, it can change by the minute. However, he knows where I stand, and he knows I’m documenting. He knows I won’t let him take even 50/50 custody at this point. Not until he shows that he is trying to get help. He knows I have one foot out the door and that he has to prove himself worthy of any kind of relationship, with even the boys or me. And I got it in writing this time, so when those narcissistic tendencies surface and deny everything…I have it. And unfortunately, I have known him long enough to know that he probably won’t prove anything.

That being said, I’m recentering myself in my own life. I’m relearning my own voice. I’m relarning my own body. I’m becoming mentally and physical stronger. I’m remembering old hobbies and finding new ones. I’m reconnecting with old friends. And more importantly, I’m creating a relationship with myself. Strong boundaries that create peace and peace that creates gentleness.

It’s so easy to plan out mental timelines, but it’s so hard to keep them in life. I will continue forward and continue making myself a priority. If you’re also in this place of leaving and not leaving. I see you. We will do it at the perfect time for us. This is a nonlinear path that is different for everyone.